Published August 6, 2009
Since I am new to this sort of writing could you please tell me what you thought of this and how I could further improve this.This is not intended to be much of a story.
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It was a great feeling. Love, an amazing chemical reaction in the brain was happening to him after many years.Lovely feelings in your brain makes you feel like you are on top of the world.
When you have been single till the age of fifteen any pretty girl can give you that charged feeling of love.
The lovestruck boy met this girl staying just a few blocks away when she recently joined his group of friends. He really did not know that he was in love with her until his friends started pulling his leg nearly every time.He was slowly, but clearly, beginning to understand what was happening.Still, he lived in his state of denial for a few weeks, despite his friends discussing the similarities between this lovestruck teen and his new found crush to convince him that they were right.But.... they really were right.Friends know you better than anyone.
He sometimes really wondered if he could have her and if she felt the same way but no indications came from her side. He was way too nervous to confess his feelings for her.Afterall...he never had done such a thing before. There always looms a fear of emotional mess when you need to confess you’re love to someone who becomes your friend.People some times tell you to listen to you're heart in such situations,not you're head.This was totally different.His heart and head both said he didn't stand a chance; "don't event try".Being in love,he obviously disagreed.
Inaction reigned supreme.Our ever doubting teenager just lay there, just watching, as life repeatedly gave him the opportunities to achieve his deep desire.Opportunity was banging on his door hard,yet he didn't open the door."How would you know if you don't even try?" voices from inside told him.But sometimes,we just don't want to give it a chance.Nervous,he just sat still- watching her, as she frequently came down to meet the group of friends.
As time passed by he was beginning to lose his feelings and the strangest form of love took over him. She sure did cause his heartbeat to rise, she sure did make him feel alive, but, only when she was not around. He loved her, but only as a fantasy. He somehow could never come to understand himself and what really stopped him. “Why is a man only suppose to initiate such matter? Emotional mess would be far less if it were the other way round”. He recollected her face whenever he saw a pretty teenage girl. He knew her birthday way before it was due…still why could he not let her know?
Tired of his nervous behaviour,opportunity left his doors to never knock on it again.
This is how it happened:
One fine day, she announced to the group that she was leaving the city and moving into the suburbs which meant she could not see the group friends so often.
He knew he would miss her.
He kept getting excited when she came over to visit once in few weeks thinking “This is it, grab your chance”. But again…it just lasted till he met her in person.
This had to stop.
Frustrated at his pathetic situation , he finally crushed his feeling and cursed himself for building a dream world.
His brain and heart were always right.But love knows no common sense.
But from the inside he still feels calm………no more of her playing around in his brain.A chance to finally "move on" for real.
He was free once and for all.
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140,220 Literary Works • 673,046 Reviews
Due to the fact that their were so many reviews already I decided that I will just offer some positive thoughts. First I enjoy the occasional romance and this one was a great read. Although I do think it was short it seemed to end in just the right place. The ending is arguable however as some people said above me. As for emotion you expressed it very well in this short narrative. I'm sorry if I do not offer any solid advice I'm just trying to avoid saying the same things others have already told you.
Overall great job I really enjoyed it and hopefully you will post more in this section soon.
Hey young gun!
Pink here, as requested.
So I'm going to start off by just pointing a few things out. I haven't read the previous reviews for this, so I'm sorry if I repeat thing others have stated before.
From what I can tell, you have a very poetic way of writing and I think you should let that show more. In this sentence I think you shouldn't describe the girl as 'this' give her an adjective. The boy is lovestruck so what is she?
***Just a pet peeve but I think you should space after your periods.
The repetition of "they were/really right" bothers me a little. Maybe change that up?
I think you should loose the 'really' here.
"your" not "you're"
note the above.
Watch out for repetitions, they can be annoying. change the second door to "it".
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Overall, this piece was pretty good. I liked it.
It was just a short story describing what a boy went through in order to confess his love. But honestly, I don't get the ending. I have no idea what exactly happened, weather he gave up or he confessed to her. *puzzled*
I think you should try to clear up the ending a bit.
Also, watch out for your repetition. Another thing, work on building your characters. I know a little bit about the boy in here but honestly I don't know anything about the girl, what aspect of her does he like so much? I mean I don't think guys fall 'in love' with girls just because they're beautiful. I mean there's got to be something other than her appearance that he likes. Since this is short you really need to work on releasing their character. What kind of people are they?
Little sentences can get you so far, so using correct words and descriptions can build a very strong character in just a few lines.
Well, that's all...
You did pretty well for your first time, keep up the good work.
See you around,
~Pink
Hey there Young Gun. Lily here as asked.
A lot of people definitely covered the grammar issues but I would still like to hit on a few subjects.
Opening Line
Honestly, YG, this isn’t the catchiest opening. Good hooks need to really grab a reader by the throat, beat him with a piece of cooked salmon, and then shove them into the story. Or you can be nice and lure them in with something that grabs their curiosity. Generally, when righting romance, you’ll want to use the nicer way. Take a look at this opening paragraph from William Faulkner’s short story Rose for Emily that I found in the short story database.
See, doesn’t it make you curious and want to read on. You want to know about that house. And you'll want to know about Miss Emily. You have to make your reader want to read on to find out why this story of love is worth reading about.
Characters
They are definitely very flat. You don’t always have to name a character, I’ve done it before but you have to remember to keep a character distinct. A name is often what gives a character distinction but if you aren’t going to use a name, you still have to make sure that your characters shine through.
Also, right now, we know nothing about these characters. And because we can’t even visualize them (particularly the girl) then we don’t really have much of a connection with either of them.
Overall
To be honest, the way the emotion is conveyed and seems to radiate, he doesn’t really seem to be ‘in love’ it makes it feel more like a ‘crush’ than anything else. Crushes can be easy to get over. Love really aches. Believe you me.
Take time to read other stories about romance and see how other people convey love. If you ever need a review or if you have any questions, you know how to find me.
~lilymoore
So many reveiws! Hah, well here I am as requested anyways.
My first big nit-pick is that often you missed having spaces after your periods and commas. It just kind of annoyed me is all.
I thought this whole piece was adorable! It is very true to what "young love" or "puppy love" is. And the whole building a fantasy thing, very good.
I don't realy think your characters need expanded on because it isn't specific to one person. Yes, you use only one character, but it refers to young people in love in general. Your characters are good how they are.
Hope I've helped some, even though what I said may have been said before. And thanks for replying to my thread!
Keep up the good work!
-Lauren
Wow, you have quite a few reviews on this one. But anyway, here I am, as requested!
you could say: 'This fifteen-year-old got smitten with a pretty girl.' I don't know exactly what you meant by your sentence, so I hope my sentence works out with you; but you could change it up, as long as the tense is still the past.OK, I noticed some verb tense changes. It's very common among writers, and it's very challenging to overcome it. So this is what I suggest: try using just past tense, since the majority of the story is told in that tense. And instead of saying,
Also, you changed perspectives, or points of view. In the story, you use 'he', 'you', and 'our'. That's 3rd, 2nd, and 1st person, in their respective orders. For this particular piece, I'd use 3rd, because most of the story is from that perspective already, and you can easily change the other sentences. For example-- You could instead say: 'His friends knew him better than anyone else.' or something like that.
The 'event' should be 'even'.
Other mistakes have been pointed out already.
Anyway, this was a pretty cool piece! I liked your use of figurative language; it was creative and very cool! Romance, hehe...not my best topic, but I'm a lot better at reviewing fiction than poetry/nonfiction. Anyway, thank you so much for replying to my reviews thread. You're the first one.
Hi, it's Mo. here as requested!
You need a space after every full stop. xD
In the third sentence you have written: Lovely feelings - I think this is a bit more telling than showing, and it's a bit repetitive seeing as you have used "love" in the previous sentence. Try something like: warm, or amazing.
I don't know why being single until the age of fifteen would make him fall in love an easier. Is it just me?
Spaces are needed after full-stops. xD
I like the way you've said how his heart and his head were telling him the same thing; don't even try. xD
(Spaces after full-stops).
"Our ever-doubting teenager", I think should be "The ever-doubting teenager".
I like this bit. It's cute.
Nice metaphor. I like it.
I think this takes a lot away from the story. It's very factual and straight to the point. You don't really even need it there.
"The group" - it sounds so...? Try something like: One fine day, she announced to their friends...
This is nice, I like the way it shows us his emotions and flaws.
This sounds a bit like you are forcing the character, and have made his mind up for him. Maybe: He knew this had to stop, (so we know that it was definitely his decision).
This makes me sad, but I like it. xD
I love this line! It's so deep. xD
He "still" feels calm? You don't really need the still there, because it makes it sound like he was never in love with her.
Sad, but pretty.
Overall:
I really liked it. It makes me wish that they ended up together, but it's very real in the fact that they don't. I really like it, keep writing. xD
~Mo.
Thank you all for your reviews.They were very helpful.
Hey! I am not big into nitty-gritty stuff so here is just a brief critique of what I thought of the piece. The beginning seemed quite good and very in detail. The one thing I was wondering was just a personal opinion. the line "When you have been single till the age of fifteen any pretty girl can give you that charged feeling of love." I don't think this statement is correct. or maybe you could have narrowed it down more. Because not every pretty girl would return that feeling of love. Thus, he would not always get that "in love" feeling. Also the beginning seemed like you put some real thought into it and it had great emotion. But then the ending part just seemed a bit short and not as powerful. It was still good and all but maybe you could have made it seem a little more thoughtful and in-depth like the start of this piece was. But over all I really did enjoy it! It was powerful and emotional and did a great job portraying feelings. Good job!
Hello! I quite liked this piece. It's written in a very narrative kind of way, very observant. I do like the style of writing, however I think that in some ways it would benefit from atual scenes being written, for example, finding out that the girl is going away. It also might be a more emotional piece if it was written in first person. I mean, you say love is a great feeling but we need to know more. We need to empathise with the main character and right now we don't very much. Perhaps add some more detail so that the reader can really relate to the situation and feel like it's happening to them. Also, I think saying "This is how it happened:" is very matter-of-fact and just makes it sound a little too observant. An interesting piece though, in an interesting style. Keep writing.
OK. Overall, I liked the opening, but make sure you put a space after a full stop! Sometimes you do and sometimes you don't. Try putting a comma after "brain," it will help your piece to flow. "Lovely" seems more like a word a girl would use, why not try "warm" or "electric"?
Hmm, good. But why not try "charged" instead of "rushed"?
OK. The first sentence is a little muddled. Why not try:
"Till" should be "until"
Expand on "nearly every time" Every time what?
Again on the full stops.
Whoa! Grammatical nightmare!
Again on the full stops.
Again on the commas and full stops. It's comma/full stop SPACE new word eg "The cat was sat on the big, blue mat. It was a fat cat."
There should be either a space before and after your hyphen (-) or no spaces.
OK. Comma use in first sentence is a little odd. Try:
Spaces after ellipses (...) And try:
"Group of friends", not "group friends"
Overall
Okay, so it's a good story all in all. Just a few little grammatical tweaks to make, and a little rephrasing, and it'll be perfect. Or you could try to make it into a poem? That would be good!
Good job, keep writing!
Pgsgirl
It makes me sad how the couldn't end up together!
But, all in all, I liked it! The phrases you used about love definantly made your story.
Thanks for telling me to read this!
Lastly, My favorite quote: "His brain and heart were always right.But love knows no common sense. "
It sounds like shakespeare or something! haha
I loved it, and hope you write more things like this!
~Classy
Heya, I'm going to review your work.
The very first thing I thought when I began to read this is: Hey look, an opportunity for me to study the emotion that is love. However I think it fell flat with some repitition:
The boldened parts can be changed or perhaps omitted. Maybe something like this:
It was a great feeling. Love, an amazing chemical reaction in the brain that makes you feel like you are on top of the world, now it was happening to him.
I kind of missunderstand why the but is there. What is the but opposing?
Overall: This is a great piece. I can't criticize anything you say about love since haven't been there or done that. Just read all of the reviews. Space after a fullstop, grammar, punctuate etc. Mind the repitition, if you can't think of a better word to use than repeating a word than use a thesaurus, even an online one.
Great work though, liked the end.
Thanks.Once my holidays start ill post some more of this kind of stuff.Hopefully,it should be as good.
I can't even begin to tell you how much I loved this...I stumbled on it and now I love it. You have to message me if you post some more...keep up the good work:)
Great job, i really liked how it was written from a first person point of view. Also its very relate able as someone above me said. As far as corrections i cant see anything else wrong with this other than what was mentioned. Really great stuff i enjoyed it alot
Hey, Gun! I'm really sorry that you've had to wait this long for a review.
Okay, so, to begin with, your subject clearly is... love. I know you know that it has always been a popular writing topic, which leads us to the next thing I'm going to say. Everyone has read stuff about love. Even those who don't know what love is like can get a faint feeling about it when it's described well (although I know love can't ever be properly brought to words). Now I want you to ask yourself whether you deliver the message of love as well as it could be delivered. If you ask me, I'm afraid the answer is no – to sum the paragraph up, you say "Love is great." That really isn't enough. Now, it might be difficult to write about love, especially if one has never truly experienced it. Still, readers are going to want much much more from you, so please give it to them. You can do a lot more, I trust you.
Every time what?
*
Well, I won't be mentioning every little nit-pick, because I don't want to bore you, but I'll just say proofread and spellcheck before you post your work. And after that, proofread again, and have someone else proofread it for you. It can be frustrating at first, but it's really worth it, trust me. Your eyes will learn to notice the mistakes and soon you won't do them at all anymore. Also, please please please hit the space key after commas and periods.
(Notice that "didn't" isn't actually spelled "din't", even though it can be pronounced like that.)
I've said this before and I will say it again: you don't describe the MC's emotions very originally, I'm sorry. This is not something that couldn't be improved, so don't worry too much about it. You just need to write and write and get older and it'll probably come automatically after some time. But everything needs practice.
This is more what I'm talking about. It's one of the few things in the story that gives some depth to the character. Maybe not enough, but some. We need more hints like this so we can understand his feelings and thoughts properly. =) You're getting there, though.
Well, just keep practicing and good luck!
Demeter
x
Thanks for the review octo. I'll see if I can expand the main character's idea without making this a story.
Hullo dear
Thank you for replying to my thread, I hope you find my review helpful. So, let’s get started, shall we?
Oof, remember that it is imperative your first sentence be dramatic and intriguing: a hook. ‘It was a great feeling’ is not quite dramatic or intriguing. Why don’t you just start with the second sentence? It’s much more interesting.
Here, replace ‘till’ with ‘until’. I think you were thinking of ‘‘til’, the shortened, colloquial form of ‘until’. ‘Till’ means to plow, or sow. I’m not sure I quite like the use of second person here either. Is there any way you could change this sentence to fit the third-person past tense used in the rest of the piece?
I’m not quite sure, but I think ‘lovestruck’ is two words, ‘love struck’, or with a hyphen in between, ‘love-struck’. You might want to check up on that, but from what I can tell (and with a little googling) it’s not one word. However, I do know for a fact that ‘new found’ is one word: ‘newfound’. Also, take the time here to describe and elaborate a little! What are the similarities between him and her? A hidden love for children’s TV shows? A loathing of things orange? I’d like to know these things, and I’m sure other people do too.
I just think the ‘really’ sounds awkward here. Again, just add a little detail here. What does he do to get her attention? How does she seem to ignore or not notice his attempts to reach out?
‘Afterall’ should be ‘after all’, two words. Also, the standard ellipsis consists of three consecutive periods (…). Three does the job just as well as eight. In general, though, the ellipsis isn’t quite necessary here. There is a pause there, I agree, but it doesn’t need to be that long. ‘Looms’ should be in the past tense. ‘You’re’ should be ‘your’, since it indicates possession. Again, I’m not sure about how well the second person works. Try rephrasing it to third person and see how that works.
‘Was beginning’ doesn’t quite work here. To write it like that would be to put it in the imperfect form, which suggests that it occurs in the past, but hasn’t quite finished yet. In this situation, it doesn’t make sense. Simply replace it with the perfect form, ‘began’.
Is he speaking to himself here? Are they thoughts? If they are the latter, it might work better if the quotes are removed. The first sentence is in present tense, and it’s jarring. If you could change that to past tense, things would flow smoother. Also, if you do plan on keeping the quotes, remember to leave the period inside the end quotation mark, not on the outside.
A period is missing, and should be placed right before the capitalized ‘He’. Actually, you could probably combine the first two sentences into one, since they follow similar formats, like so: He recollected her face whenever he saw a pretty teenage girl, and knew her birthday way before it was due. Again, I’m not sure if the ellipsis here works well; perhaps you could try just a period or semicolon? ‘Fulfil’ is misspelled. There are two l’s: fulfill.
‘Fine’ feels strange. It just doesn’t fit here. As for the word ‘so’, perhaps replacing it with ‘as’ would feel more natural.
Again, ‘till’ should be ‘until’.
Perhaps the underlined could be changed to ‘pathetic situation’?
Ah, we have another tense change. That should probably be fixed to past tense.
So, I certainly understand the feeling! I liked a guy, but eventually it reached a point where I just liked the guy in my mind, not the real one. However, this all felt like summary of a novel or something. We got the entire story in chronological order, a bit like a timeline. The important thing about this is that he loved her, but it turned into this fantasy world in his head, right?
I have a suggestion. Take a part of the male’s story, just a snippet, like where he meets her after she’s moved away and he realizes that he doesn’t actually like the actual her anymore. Write out the scene, and pack in the details: how he feels, what he’s doing, everything. Try and convey all the information, the emotions around their relationship, but in just one single scene. It’ll be a challenge. Once you’re done, compare it to the whole story. I guess what I’m trying to say is, do you need to tell everything from beginning to end?
What you’ve written is great though, and a nice angle on the aspects of romance.
Sorry it took a while to get out, I hope you find it helpful. (I also hope you had a nice first day of college!)
Best of luck,
octo
Hey! This is so adorable. It feels like an ode, and almost like a poem. Which is very slick, because both of these are common to this genre.
I shall now be clinical and nitpick, and tell you how I think you could improve it.
These sentences feel awkward. Might I suggest: "This single teenager ['this' because he has already been mentioned in the previous paragraph] met this girl when she joined his group of friends. He didn't really know that he was in love with her until his friend began pulling his leg about it almost every time they met up."
Maybe, "He sometimes seriously wondered whether he could have her, and if she felt the same way - but no such indications came from her. He was far too nervous to confess his feelings to her. After all, he had never done such a thing before."
For some reason, when I read this the narrator had an odd tone of voice: sort of sad, sort of wistful. To this end, I think this would read better as: "Sure, she made his heartbeat quicken, and make him feel more alive, but somehow only when she wasn't actually around."
Conclusion: This really is so sweet, and all you need to do is read through it (deeply, and I know that can be a tad uncomfortable) and play around with those sentences, and then they can have an even deeper impact. It really does have the capacity to be profound.
~*cottonrulz*~
Nice work. I could slightly relate with the story. (But, I never lost feelings for her)
Anyways, I don't actually think that you have to name or describe your characters since this is more like a thought-story (That's how I call it XD), where the readers get lost in thoughts and are kept in the mystery of what entirely happened. I believe this is for one shot too, so no need to expand.
But! It would be really great if you can make this into an entire story!
P.S.
I noticed a few grammatical errors and that you misused ellipses. The last reviewer had pointed them out.
Well hi there, I have decided to review this wonderful piece of work of yours!!
First off I'm going to quote the whole piece and go through it making [suggestions/thoughts] and edits or extra adding-ins. Then I will go through the whole review with you at the end. I hope this helps you out!! =D
Overall Thoughts
Purpose
The first thing that puzzles me is what purpose does this piece involve? Is it meant as a monologue, a prologue? You need to try and make the purpose of this piece clear to make it easier reading, without the confusion
Your Characters
At the moment your characters are just flat people that don’t mean anything to me – they haven’t managed to make an impression on me. You need to work on your character development and maybe start off with giving your characters names to make this slightly more realistic. Then look at each of your characters in detail, especially your MC and question what is it that makes them tick? What is their personality? What do they look like? And finally, going with the theme of this piece, why does your MC like this girl? What is it about her that made him fall in love? All of this and more will help to make your characters seem more realistic and less flat and will also help you to flesh out this piece a bit as it’s slightly too short for my liking. I just think that so much has been left unsaid and so much more could be added to this.
Then... everything else
First off your excessive use of ellipsis needs to be looked at. Remember an ellipsis is an extended pause which symbolises a pause for thought and they should be used as less as possible to add to the effect they have when they are used. So try and bear that in mind the next time you use an ellipsis: does it really need to be there?
Finally, I loved your style of writing – it’s easy to read and enjoyable too. I also like the sound of this storyline and I think that you have a lot to play with, which is really good! Great job on this piece and I hope this review was helpful to you
Keep Writing!!
--Lucyy xx